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it takes all my strength not to dig you up from the ground in which you lay  

“one night, one more time.. thanks for the memories even though they weren’t so great”

i spent the past few days adapting everyone else’s words to fit what my heart was doing because i didn’t have the courage to speak for myself. but now, after one more night, one more time of feeling hollowed out i want to change that. it’s been two years yesterday. every other day of the year i can’t feel it. i choose not to. i don’t love him for 364 days, but every twenty third day of twelfth month my life skips back to the same day. i walk into a cold, dark bedroom and recall exactly what it felt like last time. the scents, sounds, and sick tingle in my stomach all come back. i go through the motions. i drive home alone and listen to silence. i eat, almost unwillingly and i can feel my skin crawling. i shower, and i cry and cry and cry and i can’t tell if i’m crying because i’m happy, or ruined, or stressed, or relieved. but the water is so hot and i’m shaking too hard to adjust it and i sit down on the edge of the tub and try my hardest not to make any sound. my eyes feel numb. my fingers feel numb. most of all, my heart feels numb. i get into bed. i turn my phone off. i hold myself together the best i can and my head starts to pound and i’m in pieces. and i’m sad because i don’t know why i’m sad. because everything has changed. he’s a different person now and so am i. and i’m happy with who i am for the most part. i don’t remember how he feels or what his voice sounds like. i don’t even remember how i felt then. everything is gone. it felt almost as though a million little ties came undone from my shoulders and this dark, monstrous burden floated away. i didn’t sleep, because the entire dynamic of my life changed in a matter of hours. i spent the night writing away everything i ever had with him and i spent it putting myself back together. and i thought of the present, and how i don’t deserve to live in light away from the cancerous clouds of mistakes i used to make, and i thought of the new boy i found, and how he’s perfect and how i can see myself loving him the way i used to love. i woke up this morning feeling empty. but the cobwebs were cleared and there was room for something new to build it’s home.