+
Home Ask me anything Submit Archive Random RSS
it takes all my strength not to dig you up from the ground in which you lay  

08

the first person to find out was the first person i really gave myself to. he only found out because he walked in. because i pocket dialed him in a dirty venue bathroom and ive never been a pretty crier or a quiet puker. sometimes i think we built our relationship off that because there wasn’t much else. the only massive thing between us was the age difference. we made sure everyone around us thought it was a piece of cake. that we were a story book couple. but the truth was that the cake was burnt and the story was bathroom material. i like to believe that i made him love me. when he was with me he was the worst possible version of himself and it satisfied me because i was a scared, out of control little girl with, finally, too much control. he was beautiful and i was skinny. and well, now i’m not skinny but most of the time he’s still beautiful. he always told me it was a cancerous thing for us to do and i was constantly telling him otherwise. that i could handle it. now that there’s a permanent bruise i think otherwise. now i know that i did love him and sometimes still do. different from when i swore i did but couldn’t confirm it with my conscience. i was a stupid little girl who’d follow any boy who so much as blinked at her. he was an adult then and im still not now. it was dangerous. i wish now that while he showed me his heart, i showed him more than just what’s below my belt. not an obscured view of my heart through the ribcage like a peeping tom peeking through his neighbor’s blinds. i was states from home but here i am looking back realizing that sometimes it takes leaving the places you’re familiar with to find your true home. it never got better after that. he stopped wearing his ring and i quoted a movie to make him cry. i went home on a plane two days later with out so much as a goodbye wave. nearly three years later im back where i started and i know somehow that when our paths cross he’ll always be with me, if only for a night.