February 2012
1 post
The nervous collapsing of his chest slowed and his heart fell to a lull. I closed my eyes and gave myself to him. Not in the sense you’re thinking, no. I just let him have his night. I lay there with him in my arms, holding him the way you held me, and I let myself imagine what it would be like to be with him the way he imagined. It took everything out of me to get lost in the thought, to run my...
January 2012
3 posts
talking about you. to strangers. to an empty room. to a dimly lit computer screen. to stiff white pages. everything comes back. sometimes, i cannot hold myself together. sometimes, i just need someone. sometimes, i don’t want to be here. sometimes i wish i never got better. sometimes i wish i left. sometimes i wish i told you no. sometimes i wish i didnt judge how much i loved myself by what...
so much has changed, friend.
killingcharlemagne:
reminiscence: apprehension of a Platonic idea as if it had been known in a previous existence - noun
December 2011
3 posts
i will never believe in anything again
i am trying harder than anyone could imagine
"one night, one more time.. thanks for the...
i spent the past few days adapting everyone else’s words to fit what my heart was doing because i didn’t have the courage to speak for myself. but now, after one more night, one more time of feeling hollowed out i want to change that. it’s been two years yesterday. every other day of the year i can’t feel it. i choose not to. i don’t love him for 364 days, but every...
08
the first person to find out was the first person i really gave myself to. he only found out because he walked in. because i pocket dialed him in a dirty venue bathroom and ive never been a pretty crier or a quiet puker. sometimes i think we built our relationship off that because there wasn’t much else. the only massive thing between us was the age difference. we made sure everyone around...
November 2011
7 posts
1 tag
i love him. there are no other words that will allow me to tell you. in a simple, yet grotesquely complex way, i love him. i will always love him. i wish i knew how to tell you all that i love him just as much as i wish i knew how to tell myself i love him. i gave him all of me, and now it will forever be him. i love him. it is the kind of love that crumbles youth. it is the kind of love that rips...
turning page
i’ve waited a hundred years....
happy birthday to me
Another year gone. Another year I’d rather not have lived. I feel no change. I feel nothing. For every three hundred sixty five days that passes I become less and less enthusiastic about being alive. So I fantasize about the end at a table surrounded by people who are congratulating me on inching one year closer to death. When I blow out the candles it’s my wish, and I find my way to a...
we all get scared of sticking out our necks
I am paranoid. And for the first time in months I’m up with out a single thought of sleep past normal, functioning human hours. All over again, I am a robot. Relapse. Can’t go a year unscathed, or a full three sixty-five with out tasting everything twice.
some days the bed won’t let me leave these are the ones i don’t know if i’ll make it through the sheets see a new person every night but i still sleep alone mrs hyde’s provoking little ms jekyll for the millionth time wanna go back to when everything felt new not like every next one’s a more generic brand of you now i trick my head to fall asleep your eyelashes...
jackcbuck:
I know me, only in terms of you.
"i'm just a white blood cell fighting like hell...
I sifted elbow deep through your innards, digging for the person I remembered. I ripped back intestines, cracked apart ribs. And as I plucked out your heart strings I realized you were lost. At the end of it all I sat defeated, licking your remains from beneath my finger nails. Disappointment doesn’t register these days. I’ve grown accustomed to the swollen heart and tightened stomach....
October 2011
2 posts
Apathy.
He tells me all the time that all he wants is to see me, to hold me, to have me in the flesh. He rants and raves and pines. And here I am.. little old me. Unable to muster up a twinkle in my eye or a thrill in my heart. I’ve grown eternally cold.
1 tag
“Sometimes you climb out of bed in the morning and you think, I’m not going to...”
– Charles Bukowski
September 2011
5 posts
im sick but theres no hospital to fix this kind of thing.
Summer's on it's death bed.
Your hair was grown again just like the day I met you. The air grew frigid as night fell, but the way the amusement lights melted to your skin warmed me even from yards away. And through tired eyes I watched you prey on her. She looked young. The fresh meat you prefer. And I watched you go back to her over and over as the night burned out. It reminded me of the time when I was her. The delicate,...
“i see you lying next to me with words i thought i’d never speak, awake and unafraid, asleep or dead”
if you cut me open i am the single most regular person that has ever existed. you could pick through my parts like a lump of trash and rusted metal, and you wouldn’t find what it was that truly made me this way. it’s piled up until finally it’s just become part of me. i sit at the dinner table and i look at the monsters who claim any affection for me, and i find that it might be...
“You see things. You keep quiet about them. And you understand.”
August 2011
8 posts
A hurricane I'll never outrun.
This morning I opened my eyes to calm. The hype around the storm crumbled away. But there was a crippling fear… a disgusting need to know that you, though you’ve made me less than myself, were safe. I couldn’t find why. I couldn’t pull a reason from the mess of blankets and sheets I bandaged myself in. Reassurance that I wouldn’t fall apart through the night. I...
“apologies are all you’ll ever be”
August 24, 2011
The night terrors are back. The same, one after another. I speed down a dark wooded road and bodies hang like Christmas ornaments from the trees by their necks. The pale, icey eyes violently strip away all that I am. No matter how far or how quickly I drive I cannot escape them. I wake in the night crying out for anyone. It is eerie. The room feels invaded by the souls of each body. A thick,...
For all the times I’ve broken off a little bit of my heart and tucked it into the pocket of a pretty boy, you’d think I’d have nothing left. But I am sitting here in the dark with slick cheeks and a raw throat. My hands are bloodied and my knees mangled. Once again.. all over again, I’m hurt. There isn’t any other way to put it. I am hurt. I am sad. I am just a human...
I don’t know if I can get back up from this one.
i cannot remember what his face looks like and i am panicking. i close my eyes and catch it and within seconds it disappears in the mess of my head. the walls are sweating and my pills are near gone and the sun screams at me to get up. stop it, you silly, stupid little girl. there is no cryptic way to explain to you, who ever is listening, that i am hurting worse than i’ve weathered before....
It was that summer that we learned what it meant to be human. We peeled apart the pages of our unspoken guidlelines ever so gently. A subconcious will to poetically have your heart broken is what it means to be alive. But there are cracks in all my edges, spidering out into larger crevices. In each of those crevices is a wish to get better. To shake away the rust and oil up. I’ve been...
Turn your back 'cause you'll never understand.
I watched you change with the seasons. I wrote you letters but I forgot to mention that I’m a wreck, I’m a mess, you’re stranger.
once again i am stuck
July 2011
10 posts
lights
Sometimes, it makes me sick. The power in my cracked hands.. the strength in my aching head. I choose to ignore it. Be the same old girl everyone wants. I shut out the voices and whispers and begs. To be something better. To be a human. To let the light in and shatter the stone monster I’ve grown into. I am numb to it all. The nerves have gone dead and the surface doesn’t register...
where fact and fiction meet
The miracle was answered and my body broke down somewhere around noon. Hands trembled, aimlessly chasing the smile. And every crack on the surface of my being filled with panic, like waves taking down sand cities. And so I crouched in a dark theatre, praying to all the static that maybe I would be okay and my lungs went flat. You’d like to think I’d be standing at the top, battered yet...
I’ve never been one to walk away, but I’ve had enough and it’s breaking my heart. You love me just the way that you should.. It’s nothing you do, it’s nothing you say.
I'm surrounded, so I give up.
I cannot do myself justice.
It didn’t come out the way I wanted it to. It didn’t sound the way it should. Nothing ever does. I have held on through broken nails and dusty lungs. Fought through sleepless nights to frequent to tally on fingers and toes because my heart of stone is breaking through the brittle white cage keeping it locked inside. All because of the feeling. The one they all whisper about, and waste...
Everything's fine.
But is it? We talk about these times. We marvel over them and pray for them and hope and wish and spend every second of our lives dreaming of them. The pain that makes your stomach dry and cracked. The feeling that makes you write beautiful words. The hope. There isn’t anything to say about the hope, because it’s just peeking through. But i’ve been taking it hard, like a kick to...
Fresh air.
We sat there on the old train tracks, watching lazily as ghostly headlights haunted the trees ahead. Passed the glass life saver between us. An idea of family bonding. But while they trapped the clouds in their lungs, I thought of you. I feel it the most when I am away. I think of all of the touches I recycle nightly, hoping to feel you again. To feel that young again, to drain the rainy days that...
I love you, however..
You hold me down. ”You’re the echoes of my everything, you’re the emptiness the whole world sings at night. You’re the laziness of afternoon. You’re the reason why I burst and why I bloom.” You hold me down. You hold me down.
don't do sadness
We’re sitting opposite from each other, wasted pages of fine literature bent in our laps. The generic lighting turns my hands bone white. He is beautiful, and he is everything I wish you could be. This is not a love story. No, it isn’t like that at all. The topics change rapidly and I find myself muttering on and on about the recent days of my life. He is older and he is understanding. We talk and...
June 2011
1 post
i'm lying awake
safe within the walls of my own house and all i can think of is how much i want to go home.
May 2011
4 posts
I feel.
The air is warm and falls around me in blankets. The breeze is soft. Almost sort of fluffy, grazing my face. The scent of honey suckle is more comforting than salt water, but it’s an indication. A sign that my clothes will shed and my feet will callous and I sacrifice all of my sleep for you and damp sand. I’ll fight through crowds and suffer through sugar head aches. And you will be...
I should not be here, you know..
There are times I remember things out of the blue, like the second time and how hard it was not to touch you. The sun was sinking lower and lower and the rain was clear. You snuck up and into the sand, allowing yourself to be muddied the same way I was. It was quiet. We never had that way with words. Our chemistry worked like an old black and white silent film. An hour must have passed before your...
There are things I said I’d never do again, and people I swore I’d never love again, but there are also the times when I realize that maybe I never stopped to begin with. While my definition of love is something monstrous stretched and smothered to death across impossible distances, I will give you my remains.
Let them talk.
Let them say whatever they want. But I spent all I had making sure you couldn’t get close. Making sure you wouldn’t come back. And you did. Even through all the noise and between all the sweaty bodies, I caught beauty in whatever it was we found again. Standing there. Letting you inspect me for traces of the girl I used to be when we loved for the very first time and then over and over...
April 2011
7 posts
I try
Then it brings me back. The soft curves of your face scratched into my eyelids. Close my eyes and pray at the sight of you. I want. Sometimes I think I need. But I’m empty at the end of the day. Nothing to desire or require. Only small things to pray for. Your quiet voice in my ear, or your sleepy eyes. The eyelashes framing them or the tickle of your hair on my shoulders. This may never...
The truth.
He is more real to me than anything I’ve ever known. There is no substitute for remarkable forehead kisses, no replacement bus services for our skin by another. We get stuck in traffic behind red lights and hope our connection doesn’t rupture. Despite the fact, I try to sever the wires between my brain and other organs. They hold strong and keep me a mess. A riddle of my past. Within...
What can you do when your good isn't good enough?
Relapse. The time he’s been away has given me the room to get nostalgic for past loves. And then there’s the other one. Something about it still messes me up. Makes my head sick. I will drown in my own tears before I let it go. Tonight my chest is raw and my heart has got one foot in the door. I’ve done it all before. Lie here like a corpse in a bed full of lost memories and a...
“Off in the night, while you live it up, I’m off to sleep..”
If you let me hold you...
I remember every last feeling of every last minute. The brush of lashes soft against my jaw. Your rough, calloused finger tips pressing into my wrist to pull me back for one last moment. I’ve been in love before. I’ve been in love with the sky, and the highways, and white sheets, and spring weather. I’ve been in love with people. But nothing has ever torn through me with such...