talking about you. to strangers. to an empty room. to a dimly lit computer screen. to stiff white pages. everything comes back. sometimes, i cannot hold myself together. sometimes, i just need someone. sometimes, i don’t want to be here. sometimes i wish i never got better. sometimes i wish i left. sometimes i wish i told you no. sometimes i wish i didnt judge how much i loved myself by what numbers say. sometimes i wish i didnt judge how much you loved me by what numbers say. sometimes, i wish i never met you at all. 

(Source: gifmovie, via 87daysbefore)

in the past i’ve kept this strictly for posting my poetry, or thoughts i couldn’t tell anyone else behind my own name.. i’d like to post more here. all things that inspire me. images, poetry, ramblings, thoughts, ideas, stories… stay tuned. 

1-800-dead:

[x]

(via novellus)

so much has changed, friend.

killingcharlemagne:

reminiscence: apprehension of a Platonic idea as if it had been known in a previous existence - noun

i am trying harder than anyone could imagine

i spent the past few days adapting everyone else’s words to fit what my heart was doing because i didn’t have the courage to speak for myself. but now, after one more night, one more time of feeling hollowed out i want to change that. it’s been two years yesterday. every other day of the year i can’t feel it. i choose not to. i don’t love him for 364 days, but every twenty third day of twelfth month my life skips back to the same day. i walk into a cold, dark bedroom and recall exactly what it felt like last time. the scents, sounds, and sick tingle in my stomach all come back. i go through the motions. i drive home alone and listen to silence. i eat, almost unwillingly and i can feel my skin crawling. i shower, and i cry and cry and cry and i can’t tell if i’m crying because i’m happy, or ruined, or stressed, or relieved. but the water is so hot and i’m shaking too hard to adjust it and i sit down on the edge of the tub and try my hardest not to make any sound. my eyes feel numb. my fingers feel numb. most of all, my heart feels numb. i get into bed. i turn my phone off. i hold myself together the best i can and my head starts to pound and i’m in pieces. and i’m sad because i don’t know why i’m sad. because everything has changed. he’s a different person now and so am i. and i’m happy with who i am for the most part. i don’t remember how he feels or what his voice sounds like. i don’t even remember how i felt then. everything is gone. it felt almost as though a million little ties came undone from my shoulders and this dark, monstrous burden floated away. i didn’t sleep, because the entire dynamic of my life changed in a matter of hours. i spent the night writing away everything i ever had with him and i spent it putting myself back together. and i thought of the present, and how i don’t deserve to live in light away from the cancerous clouds of mistakes i used to make, and i thought of the new boy i found, and how he’s perfect and how i can see myself loving him the way i used to love. i woke up this morning feeling empty. but the cobwebs were cleared and there was room for something new to build it’s home. 

i love him. there are no other words that will allow me to tell you. in a simple, yet grotesquely complex way, i love him. i will always love him. i wish i knew how to tell you all that i love him just as much as i wish i knew how to tell myself i love him. i gave him all of me, and now it will forever be him. i love him. it is the kind of love that crumbles youth. it is the kind of love that rips your soul from your body and sends your fragile skeleton crashing to the floor in a heap. it is the kind of love that plucks diamonds from the dust of your bones. it is the kind of love that makes you look at yourself as part of another. it is the kind of love that unzips wrists. it is violent. it is second hand smoke, and the smell of damp grass, and first snow falls, and the last day of summer, and faded tans, and virginity lost a thousand times. i saw him tonight in the same place that we once shared together years ago. i saw his family, and his pride. and what was dormant for so long is now in full bloom. i love him. it will be the death of me. 

turning page

i’ve waited a hundred years.
but i’d wait a million more for you.

i surrender who i’ve been for who you are,
for nothing makes me stronger than your fragile heart.

with a whisper, we will tame the vicious seas.
like a feather bringing kingdoms to their knees…

I am paranoid. And for the first time in months I’m up with out a single thought of sleep past normal, functioning human hours. All over again, I am a robot. Relapse. Can’t go a year unscathed, or a full three sixty-five with out tasting everything twice.

some days the bed won’t let me leave
these are the ones i don’t know if i’ll make it through
the sheets see a new person every night
but i still sleep alone
mrs hyde’s provoking little ms jekyll 
for the millionth time

wanna go back to when everything felt new
not like every next one’s 
a more generic brand of you

now i trick my head to fall asleep
your eyelashes caught between my teeth
floss it out with your childhood dreams
i can see the stars in your eyes from states away